Poisoning the Well

I am staying here in Japan as a research student. I go to school to study. But on my free time, I have other things aside from studying. For example, some time in April of last year, I was invited by a student to join their salsa practice every week. This student was asked before by the International Student Section to tour us around the campus. As a sign of good will, I joined. Some time in June one of the International Student Center's tutors asked me if I could join a sports club for health purposes. Having been overweight for the past few months by that time, and again, as a sign of good will, I joined. Sometimes I used the training exercises but most of the time I did swimming. Then I was glad about the results. I lost - not just a few pounds - but a few kilograms! Then came August, during my preparations for taking the entrance exam, one of the Japanese language instructors from the International Student Center asked me if I can spare some time to do volunteer work. There are some Filipino kids here in Yamagata that needs help in their schooling. Again, as a sign of good will, I joined. To these Filipino kids, I taught Mathematics, English and Japanese.

As I have written in my previous article "The Japanese Smear Campaign", my supervisor once confronted me about going to the sports club. I told him that I go there for health reasons. He also checked if my financial situation was alright. I said that it was alright. For the record, I had been into this financial trouble when the International Student Center wanted me to move out of the dormitory as I am receiving scholarship from the Japanese government. But (even until now) our stipend is (until now) one month delayed, I thought that I might be in trouble as moving to a new apartments requires a big amount of money. I asked the International Student Center if I could file for an extension in the dormitory but they did not allowed me. Instead, they claimed that the stipend would be enough to cover the expenses of moving out. NOt only that, they interrogated me about my monthly expenses. Although, for me, asking my monthly expenses is quite a personal thing, they kept on asking me. So what happened was, I did belt-tightening measures just to bridge the gap in my finances. I just moved in an apartment that is quite cheaper but far from the university.

Knowing that perhaps my tutor has been squealing things about me to my supervisor, I feel that it has created a bad impression of me. Aside from that, it appeared that I had been keeping secrets to my supervisor... as he heard things about me from another person and not directly from me. But the things for me is, there are some things that need not to be told to my supervisor. In other words, some things are private. But eventually were disclosed to him.

Some time in Octiber or November, the International Student Center asked me to come to their office. Again they asked me about my expenses. I told them that my financial situation was already ok as I already moved in to a new apartment. Then they mentioned about me attending the sports club. I told the clerk that I already quitted going to the sports club. Then they told me that heard I was taking piano lessons under a music instructor. I denied it as it was really not true. Once, in a Japanese language class we wrote messages in a postcard assuming that we were to sent the postcards to our friends. For my postcard, I assumed writing to my Japanese friend who plays the piano very well to each me how to play. So I thought they got the idea about the piano lessons from the postcard. But for me, as the postcard activity was just a "simulation", what I wrote on it was not necessarily true.

From that time onwards, I felt that the Japanese were looking closely at me and my activities. At first, I had this suspiscion that all of these bad publicities going around my academic supervisor were from my tutor. I know that as my tutor, he is receiving money from the Japanese government. But instead of teaching me Japanese or help me make my life here in Japan better, here he comes telling my supervisor everything he (tutor) knows about me, most of the time things that he just heard from other Japanese people as well. And he is doing this beyond my knowledge. As a result, my supervisor will have a bad impression of me. These past few days, I felt my supervisor had already changed in the way that he has been treating me. It is a sign that he has already been affected by the rumors. I had long been silent about this matter but I decided that one day I will stand up and talk to him. Sunday night I asked my tutor not to tell to my supervisor things that are not related to my studies. But he denied it as he told me that the clerk in the International Student Center was the one telling all of these things to my supervisor. My tutor enumerated to me all the things that the clerk disclosed to my supervisor. And I was surprised to know that the clerk knows everything about me-the sports club, the salsa and the volunteer work. Not only the extra-curricular activities that I do, she also knows what things I bought. For example, the keyboard that I got from a second hand shop. She told my supervisor that she was thinking that I was still attending the sports club thus, spending lots and lots of money. She claimed that she was just worried about my financial situation.

I told my tutor that I was surprised upon knowing these things. I had this comment that "This clerk is so terrible. Why just don't do her job properly and not mingle with things regarding me?" But my tutor replied that "It is her duty." Huh? Duty? It is only now that I heard this kind of duty in the school? What duty is this? Look after the private lives of the scholars? I felt that my privacy had been compromised. I felt that I was betrayed. She can not claim that she is just helping me because she has been doing all these things behind my back. In reality, she is not helping me at all. In fact, she has long been destroying my credibility to my supervisor-all behind my back!

My tutor came to talk to the clerk to tell her that I already quitted the sports club. I don't know what happened and what would be the effect to me. It seems that my tutor doesn't fully understand the situation. All he believes is that the clerk is just doing her job and it is me who needs to take care as the clerk has been watching me.

Knowing all of these conspiracies, I lost my drive for studying. I lost my interest in attending the salsa practice and in doing volunteer work. Just as the same effect when they mingled with my sports club activities, I feel like I want to quit everything. I feel that the clerk had been too much in invading my privacy. It is me who knows which things should I disclose to my supervisor. But instead, now my supervisor is thinking that I had been keeping everything to him. I am now in total disaster. Thanks to that stupid clerk.

I feel that I do not deserve this kind of treatment. To tell the truth, my lifestyle here is one of the simplest as compared to other scholars. Other scholars go on trips abroad. Some of them always indulge themselves on shopping for new clothes, eating in fine dining restaurants. Some of them always buy the newest electronic gadgets. But I am not like them. Does this good-for-nothing clerk disclose these things to the other scholars' supervisors? Or does she know about these things in the first place?

Unfortunately, to make things worst, my academic situation now is not that good. My mathematical background is not enough to catch up with my lessons here. So I have this problem on top of my list. Then I would discover these evil doings by that narrow-minded clerk. My point is, no matter how good I keep on persevering, as my supervisor already have this bad impression of me, life will be severely difficult for me. Oh, well! She had long been poisoning the well and she had succeeded in doing it. How I wish one day, she will drink water from that well.

February 8, 2005
Yamagata City, Japan